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for a good five years of my life i was pretty much wholly isolating myself from other people and now that i have like. friends and connections again it's kind of surreal to look back on. i used to be a very bitter person i think. i was too scared to really partake in any but the barest of bare bones online interaction, floating from person to person and only really speaking if spoken to. that's an instinct i still need to get over. it's not like that fear is entirely gone. times i convince myself i'm being silently judged. i must be a bad friend, so says the fear, they've already determined that i am a bad friend and it would be better for me to just continue not saying anything. i'd be better off fading out of my loved ones' lives without making a fool of myself or making trouble for them. which is obviously not true. and i know that. but then i feel like i'm making excuses when justifying why it's not true and then at that point i have to yank myself away from that train of thought because it's not gonna go anywhere good. because it's bullshit right like why am i beefing with myself over nothing. no matter how stupid the anxiety feels it persists but in the end i can live with it so ha-ha. fuck you brain demon i'm still here and people do actually care about me. eat it. i'm rambling.

looking back on the self-isolation years i think a lot of it was overcorrection. i felt weird about friendship as a concept. i tend towards considering anyone a "friend" if they talk to me nicely and i felt embarrassed about it i think. to the point i started referring to even close childhood friends i had grown distant from as an "acquaintance" because i didn't really know if it was okay for me to say we were friends anymore. it's stupid. ultimately it was anxiety over self-perception versus the perception of others. duh that's the human condition and all but the way i dealt with it sucked. not to like, bully my anxiety-riddled and isolated past self. he bullied himself enough. obviously i know why he did it because he's me. hindsight is 20/20 is all i suppose. teenagers tend to be very concerned with labels so it makes sense i was hung up on things that don't really matter that much. especially with the autism also in the picture lol. i guess i just wish i had bothered talking to people more. but it's alright now ultimately. i can look back and laugh about it a little. one of the last people i was consistently talking to was this friend i had known for many years. believe it was one of those situations as a transgender person where you kind of make someone else realize they are transgender by existing in their vicinity but that was early on. i can't remember their name anymore because we were trans teens online and it changed many times. feel kind of bad about that. we used to be very close but as is the way it goes we slowly drifted apart over time. the old friend group combusted in some drama i wasn't really involved in. one of the last interactions we had was me recommending a game to them through a pirate website i'd used before, and it turned out to be malware. i felt so bad about giving this friend a computer virus that even after they assured me it was fine and they get viruses sometimes and it's not a big deal i kind of just. didn't talk to them. i eventually got so scared over it and even of the fact that somebody had known me for so long that i blocked them, and then a few years later nuked my old discord account entirely. i feel kind of bad about it but also i was like. seventeen and we were already growing apart. i had a tendency towards a deep paranoia that if anyone knew the way i used to be then they would hate me, and they would tell everyone how awful i am. which is stupid. but it's how it was at the time. i hope everyone i used to know is happy, ultimately. and i hope looking back they don't begrudge me too much for being weird

11/8/2025 - 5:32PM

feeling weird lately but when is that not true. it's alright. i'm working through some GED prep. i don't look forward to the test because i know for a fact that i will fail the first time. but at least there are other things to look forward to. the next ranfren lucid is finally coming... Sebastian... how i miss him. looking forward to the end of the camping arc in 2030. i jest. i do miss the one-off lucids but the author's wellbeing takes precedent in the end. i'm excited to see Sebastian. his cuteness...
halloween is coming, too. hopefully my parents will allow me to drink. i would like that. the 4th was a bust... i don't want to drink on christmas because i feel like i would get sad lol. pray it doesn't come to that... well, afterwards is new years. THERE's a drinking holiday. many opportunities for my first taste await. could you imagine after all this time i finally got to try alcohol and it was yucky and i hated it LMAO. honestly not that improbable. can you blame me though for wanting one concrete "adult" milestone that isn't utterly terrifying.

also i'm interested in the gradual rerelease of homestuck. could be my time to finally actually read the damn thing to the end. While the fanbase is at an all-time low... oh well. i'm no stranger to annoying fanbases. or annoying fanbases that get pissed and attack the person who made the shit they like in the first place over some bullshit. c'est la vie

9/11/2025 - 7:51PM

today after i got done taking the trash outside a random lizard fully jumped inside and i was unable to escort it back out.
and then my family immediately returned home with garlic bread. Yumy.
hope the cat doesnt krill the creature

8/21/2025 - 5:47PM

i haven't poked this blog in a while (´･ω･`)
i kind of felt like i had to provide an update about literally everything that has happened in my life. and i don't have to. but why not do it anyway. lightning round motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!!

the aforementioned cat, Windows, was in fact playing us for fools and had an owner. but everyone was already whipped up into such a cat-induced frenzy that a few days after this realization was made my parents went out and adopted a kitten (bigstyle kitten not littletiny. lanky type). he was named Pineapple at the shelter but was renamed Kaiju. our elderly cat who died last year was frequently called Kaiju as a nickname (his name was Jaguar) because he was fat and grumpy and my parents compared the way he moved his tail to Godzilla. Kaiju is a cutie pie and i love him. for a while i kept forgetting we had a cat again and i'd get surprised seeing him at my feet. my parents always said that after Jaguar died they would never get another cat and i honestly don't think i ever believed that lol

i have a phone again! courtesy of a dear friend who mailed me their old phone after upgrading. i've never had an apple device before, so it was odd adjusting. a lot better than my old phone though honestly, and way better than Nothing. no service but that's fine. no thanks to my parents for breaking my phone and then replacing it with a fucking nokia brick piece of shit and then simply not doing anything when the nokia also broke. "you can buy a smartphone when you have a job :)" i don't have an education or valid identification BECAUSE OF YOU. AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO BROKE THE PORT!!! AND THEN RIPPED OFF AND COMPLETELY BROKE MY NICE ENAMEL POP SOCKET TO CHECK IF THE SHITTY CHEAP SAMSUNG YOU BOUGHT SIX YEARS AGO HAD FUCKING WIRELESS CHARGING OF COURSE IT DOESN'T ARE YOU INSANE!!!!! insults upon insults to injury my god. yall were lucky i was medicated Anyway. the new phone is great and my friend even sent her old case and screen protector with it which i've never had before and they are both adorable and cinnamoroll themed :3

also i am off lexapro now!! whee yippeeee my parents still won't let me drink tho because they don't want to bother keeping an eye on me. and because "alcohol is a depressant and you just got off antidepressants..." which like. you do know that a central nervous system depressant doesn't. it doesn't have anything to do with. Depression. i didn't say anything i had already been fucking rained on that day i didnt have the energy to try and explain anything medical to an RFK fan on top of everything LMFAO. hopefully soon though. honestly i think being able to try alcohol is important to me because i am sick of like. being treated like either a petulant child or a failed adult depending on what's convenient. like god damn if i have to deal with this shit can i at least have a drink. Please.
parents are an extremist group that cannot be reasoned with.

gosh i didn't intend to be bitching for so much of this entry LOL. things aren't all bad or anything sometimes u just need to complain or you'll explode. made a presentttt for my bestie's birthday which i hope the USPS is kind to. running out of shrinky dink sheets tho wehh.. i just wanna make trinkets for my friends.....

8/9/2025 - 9:56PM

pulled an allnighter.
occupied myself for like an hour by dumpster diving for winamp skins.
do people who say "once it's online it's there forever" actually believe it?

7/13/2025 - 6:10PM

will be done with therapy soon because the clinic only allows a certain number of sessions. sad but i mean it was free therapy. also hopefully getting off lexapro tomorrow.
deltarune is good thus far. we need to stomp on rouxls kaard like plankton spunchbob.
have started a new minecraft server with my friend louis and having fun.
also made a fuckass analog horror video viewable here. louis master of filmora

there has been a stray cat coming by our house. named Windows because the reason we found out about her is she was trying to jump into closed windows in the middle of the night. black manx kitten. may or may not be feral. the running theory is she was dumped somewhere and probably does not have a home. i am hoping we can trap and adopt her but if nothing else we are feeding her and she's taken up residence under our shed. ultimate goal for me is to pet her. my mom came up to me yesterday like "have you gotten an update on windows? and i was baffled for a moment until realized she was talking about the cat.

this situation is funny because we also had a random stray cat around when i was a kid who we named Cougar because our other cats were named Tiger and Jaguar respectively. we gave her a flea bath and fed her and she was a sweetie. also was pregnant and eventually brought her kittens over. still unsure what her deal was wrt ownership. apparently an old couple nearby was also feeding her. wasn't feral, very friendly. very very pretty tricolor kitty. she was probably ok after we moved.

6/5/2025 - 11:39PM