blog

i had a dream last night i asked my mom if she wanted me to kill myself and she said yes. go ahead. i ran into the back yard and she followed me out, saying "let's do it together!" and i was crying, saying i just want to have autonomy for once in my life, so she went back to being mad, she was probably calling me selfish or saying now's not the time for that or how dare you treat me like this or something something something but my ears were ringing and i couldn't make it out and i was covering my ears going stop, stop it, just shut up. i ran away from home and went around walking up to strangers in various places, asking if they knew where the tallest building nearby was. either nobody knew or nobody would tell me. i remember feeling melancholy like i did not really want to die but i had to. no going back. my last attempt to ask someone they knew who i was and what i was trying to do because apparently they were looking for me so i ran out. i didn't want anyone to drag me back or whatever they were even trying to do. outside i overheard a radio station calling me cruel and vindictive for attempting to take revenge on my family like that, and i was tearing my hair out screaming that's not what i am trying to do. woke up soon after that.

3/29/2025 - 6:42PM

i promise i'm actually old enough to drink i just also happen to like poppy playtime and roblox and drawing and cartoons and playing tuoys

3/14/2025 - 6:47PM

i finally got a therapist. it feels sort of surreal since i've been asking for therapy since i was like 12 years old. and now it is just happening. that simple. weekly appointments. i'm not even paying anything. AND my therapist is good. what the hell? did i wander into an alternate dimension or something.
i'm not really sure what the antidepressants are supposed to be doing in all honesty but i think the anti anxietys are working at least a little because i have been getting more social over time. making new friends. still bad at starting conversations, sorry. you can run me over for my crimes.
i asked my therapist what her favorite pokemon was because i had asked my case manager for his (it's cyndaquil) and drew it for him on a sticky note to bring in next time. she doesn't have one so she asked me to pick one for her so i landed on rowlet. she is nice.

3/14/2025 - 2:24AM

today was good. sold a bunch of shit at half price books.
only got 6.99 for a full tote but what did i expect ^^;
i bought 2 cds for 4 bucks though. one of which i hated and will probably sell back at some point, but the OTHER one gave me an excuse to learn to rip CDs and do some media preservation which was fun.

it is "squid noat" by the get, who seem to have been a small band consisting of 2 brothers and some other people in nebraska between 1999 and 2001-ish. their website "getness.com" no longer exists but there are captures on the wayback machine. prior to my ripping and uploading it, the only thing you got by looking up the album was two imageless amazon listings, one dutch one japanese, and what seems to be some guy's blog anticipating its release.

the funny thing is that it isn't even really my cup of tea but i think preserving and archiving artwork is important. if i hadn't spotted that CD and thought "ha, squid noat?? what's that?? 2 bucks, what the hell sure." it would just remain in total obscurity forever. even if i wouldn't listen to it otherwise i feel like it's my responsibility to yank it out of the dark since i have the resources.

anyway here's the album

3/1/2025 - [forgot to write the time]

snowed yesterday.
feel weird today. learned to make spam musubi recently. i did not know spam was so salty.
tomorrow i am talking to my case manager again. he is nice.
he said he would try to get me hooked up with a therapist and he would call me but the thing is that i do not have a cell phone. so.
i hope i can go to the used bookstore soon so i can sell some things.

2/20/2025 - 3:03PM

spent like an hour trying to figure out how to change the app icon for microsoft paint today. my conclusion? YOU CAN'T! microsoft hates fun.
i need to take my antidepressants lol

2/1/2025 - 11:43PM

thinking of changing the site font to something a bit more readable. this one is cute and all but the periods are MINISCULE it's kind of bothering me lol

1/30/2025 - 1:31AM

AAAAAAAAAAND here's the blog baby!!!
for whatever reason my GIF background likes to freeze up at random points and i truly cannot be assed to figure out why. what the hell ever man LOLLL
well anyway thats the page. my back hurts

1/29/2025 - 9:57PM